kolkata. change.

we are leaving india tonight and i've been thinking a lot about what we've learned here and how we've changed.  a couple posts ago i wrote how we were feeling overwhelmed at the challenge to serve in a way that costs us.  as i was feeling pretty down about the seeming insurmountability of my own selfishness, a small slice of hope cut in: all major change that has happened in my life has started in the moments of deep brokenness.  i thought about the time when i first realized the depth of poverty in the world when i was in Honduras and with tears in my eyes made a commitment to give away a lot of my things.  i thought about this last year when my cabin at camp all came together in a way i'd never seen and how it started when i was brutally honest about my own struggle of caring too much about what others think of me.  i thought about the moment when i knew i would marry dave and could only love him if i battled my pride.  so in the same moment that i was feeling overwhelmed and discouraged, i prayed that God would use this brokenness to bring about change in dave and i while we were here in kolkata.

pause.  so i actually did start writing this weeks ago on the night we were leaving kolkata and we haven't had internet time since then.  i am sorry to any of you who were trying to follow our adventures and were left assuming that we were trapped in an indian jail or something.  a combination of sickness and the fact that we were living out of a car in iceland meant that we had no internet connection.  we are home now and i hope to be able to catch up with anyone reading this in person, but until then i will try to finish the blog about our experiences as authentically as i can.

the last day dave and i spent at daya dan was good and strange at the same time.  i mean, we had spent about three weeks helping out at this center for children with disabilities, so you might expect us to cry as the kids sang a goodbye song to us or at least to feel like we had been changed through our time there.  the kids sang to us and the emotions that i expected to come at the end of this crazy time in india were just not there.  even though i wouldnt have said it, i guess i expected that because india is so different, that my heart would be so different coming out.  overall, as dave and i reflected on it, we realized that our time in india was full of 'mundane' experiences and every day challenges to love God and love people that were not any more glamorous or romantic than they are back home.  what i mean by this is: while we were at a center for kids with disabilities, we spent most of our time every day seperate from the children, doing their laundry.  dave and i were both sick to some degree or another most of the days in india.  because of the business of begging, the sisters and other NGOs ask you to not give anything to beggars, so we were prevented from doing random acts of heroism.  because we didn't have such extreme things happen to us or an overly emotional experience, we were forced to really deal with the condition of our heart and seek God in the same way we would back home.  this was super challenging because I guess we assumed that the change would just happen to us, rather than us actually having to seek God.

right before we left daya dan for the last time, i sat beside mashi (one of the local women employed to be house moms) as she fed one of the most challenging children.  i really connected with her mostly because I thought she was hilarious and she liked my rosy cheeks.  i asked her about her life and as she described to me what her daily life looks like, it was clear that God was showing me what it really looks like to follow him.  i asked her if she had kids and in very broken english she told me how she had four young kids and how her husband left her just after the fourth was born.  she told me how she was so greatful to have the job at daya dan so that she can provide for her family.  i thought it was crazy enough that she was a single mom working in a culture where women do not work, but she went on to tell me how she wakes up every morning at 4 to start cooking rice for her children, then she wakes them up, walks them to school and takes 3 buses to get to daya dan.  she gets to daya dan in time to wake up and change her second group of children.  She spends the whole day there playing, feeding and loving the children, goes home, takes a 5-minute break, makes dinner for her children, puts them to bed, does the laundry and dishes and is finally in bed by 11.  she asked me where I was the last couple of days and I told her how dave and I had been in darjeerling.  i asked her if she had ever been there and she replied, ‘no. i will never go. no money.’ 

everything she told me, she said in a very matter-of-fact kind of way.  she was not trying to get pity or complain and in fact, when we weren’t talking she was singing and patiently feeding one of the children his mashed-up rice.  there was not even a hint of envy or of dissatisfaction as she told me of her life, which from my perspective a bit of griping would be more than justified.  as I thought about it, it occurred to me that the kind of faith the mashi lived out was the very day-to-day kind of faith that God was trying to teach me.  mother teresa’s words, ‘we can do no great things, only small things with great love’, were so clear in mashi’s life.  as i walked home i replayed in my mind the times i had seen mashi tenderly tuck in so many of the children, or sing as she did the dishes, or laugh so loud when she was tickling little santos.  for her it is simple: serve and love in each moment of every day.  i was so challenged and still am.  the kind of mundane and unglamorous tasks that we had before us in each moment we were in india were moments we could choose to love and see the kingdom come.  this is the good news of the kingdom: Jesus came to make the poor rich in him, to tell those who the world shoves aside that they are loved and to give the most value to day-to-day, ‘mundane’, unnoticed acts of love.  after all, isn't all of life the sum of 'ordinary' moments?

the kind of drastic and dramatic change that i had expected and hoped for did not happen.  india did not end with a nice culminating point or lesson.  we do not feel like people who have been changed into saints.  what we did come away with, however, was the call to be people who are not always seeking these spectacular things, but rather are seeking to love God, however insignificant it may seem at times.  we hope and pray that our minds and hearts will begin to shift in such a way that the upside-downness of the kingdom of heaven will start to seem right-side-up and we will begin to see mundane acts of service as holy opportunities.  

kolkata. the list.

the other day we started a list of things we love; of everyday things we are thankful to God for.  we have been learning a lot about being thankful, and not just in a general way, but in a very specific, ongoing kind of way, a way that slows you down and allows you to be present in each moment.  a lot of the reason for this is that i'm reading a book about thankfulness, but we have also met people who have impressed this on us by the way they live.

a lot of our intereaction in kolkata has been with other travellers.  we are staying in the cheapest hostel we could find, which means it is full of other backpackers who are doing the same.  we have loved making new friends and meeting people from all over the world.

jess, freya and dom are our friends from oxford.  they are wonderful people.  the three of them are med-school friends who decided to travel india for the summer.  they are people bursting with joy and ready to embrace any experience along the way.  they are three people who have taught me to be present and be thankful in each moment.  every time i see them they seem to have found a different nuance of indian culture to relish in.  whether its the crispiness of kati rolls (these giant egg rolls native to kolkata), the tradition of chai, or the way children call you 'auntie' or 'uncle', not an experience goes by that is not lived to the fullest.  these three friends of ours really know how to receive.

the other day we went to a sweets shop together.  kolkata is known for its sweets and this was meant to be the best place to get them.  we were all giddy on the way to the shop.  the store was on a sidestreet off a sidestreet.  a little gem that was well-hidden.  we got there and i watched as their eyes lit up at the sight of all the sweets.  i was excited too, but part of me was also thinking about the logisitics of how we would try them, where we would sit, what we would do next.  these three, though, were living in the moment, chatting to the man at the stand and excitedly ordering sweets.  as we layed them out on this bench (which we later noticed was a shrine...oops) we started taking pieces of each one, making tasting notes and comparing with eachother.  i took a few photos of the event and later when i looked at them, the sheer joy on the faces of our friends got me thinking.  jess, dom, and freya are people who really know how to receive.  what i mean by this is, in each moment they are fully present, each experience is filled with gratitude.  its like when you are a child and get the coolest power ranger action figure for your birthday.  the moment you get it, there is nothing else on your mind.  you are not thinking about whats next or the homework you need to do that night.  you are just living in that moment.  i am learning that true thankfulness, the true ability to receive the gifts God gives us, can only happen when we slow down and give specific thanks for each gift.  

hagen and albertina are our german friends.  when dave was sick, they gave him bisquits and we bonded over sharing our sickness stories.  these two amazing people have been travelling for months now.  there is something about travelling that helps you to be in a posture that allows for you to be more receptive of experiences.  when dave was sick, the three of us went to the flower market and howrah bridge.  as we were walking across the bridge, hagen said we should just stand there for a while.  there was a rule against taking photos there, so we just stood and looked out over the river.  it was only a couple minutes before i felt the urge to keep moving, but hagen and albertina seemed perfectly content to just stand there and enjoy the view.  we stood there for a while as hagen made comments about the structure of the bridge and albertina talked about the colourful buildings on the other side.  the bridge was ok i guess, but for these people who have really travelled the world, their ability to have an appreciation and a pace that allowed them to have that appreciation was amazing.  it is that slow pace and mindfulness in each moment that i need to learn in my life.


so we started a list.  as we list off the things that we are thankful for (the sound of heavy rain on the roof, a bed to sleep in, biting into a perfectly soft mango...) we are hoping it will teach us to receive the gifts God, rather than rushing past them.  we are hoping that as we write, our hearts and minds will follow.  we are so thankful for these new friends who are helping us to learn this.

kolkata. overwhelmed.

we are in india.  we have been here a week now and it has taken me this long to catch up on blogging about our other experiences.

from the moment we got off the plane, kolkata has been an overwhelming place.  friends warned us of this, but we really could not even imagine how dirty, crowded and chaotic it would really be.  anywhere you walk there are pigs at the side of the road, streets filled with garbage, dirty buildings, people peeing and spitting in the streets... and the list goes on.  add to this the fact that kolkata has almost the same amount of people as canada and is extremely hot.  poverty is everywhere.  i have been to other parts of the world where there is quite obvious poverty, but never to this scale.  literally every street you walk on is by all appearances a slum.  for two people used to personal space, who have digestive systems that are used to sanitized food and water, and who have been spoiled by clean air and a comfotable bed, especially for the first couple of days, i was very overwhelmed.

more than the overwhelming feeling of sheer culture shock, we have felt overwhelmed by the challenge to give of ourselves in order to serve others.  we came to india to volunteer with the homes for the dying destitute, children with disabilities, and lepers that mother teresa began.  when planning our trip back home we had read a bit about mother teresa and the sisters and wanted to learn from those who have found true life, not by gaining wealth and status, but by giving themselves away.  we sort of knew on a mental level that this would be challenging, but now that we are here, we are realizing just how deep our own selfishness and feelings of entitlement run.

the first day we helped out with the sisters was amazing.  there are many volunteers in calcutta right now, so the biggest need is not for people to do the really exteme tasks like saving people's lives or teaching injured children to walk, but for people to do laundry.  with the assignment of this task came my first realization of my brokenness; i was dissappointed that we wouldn't be doing something more heroic.  so out came my inner self which was serving not purely out of a desire to love in whatever form that came in, but out of a desire to gain something for ourselves... that maybe we would get some really adorable photos of children all hanging off us. that maybe we could post them and then friends at home would see us as heros.  as we were thinking about this, i noticed one of the sisters in the room next to us.  as a lot of the other volunteers were playing with the children, who reciprocated love back to them, this sister was washing the floor.  out of anyone in the home, surely the sister who has devoted her life to loving these children should be the one playing with them, and one of us, should be doing that menial task.  i walked past the room and heard her singing quietly.

later on that night i was reading some of mother teresa's writings where she talks about serving.  she talks about how she counts it a joy to serve when no one will thank you, when a child will give you no smile, when no one will see you.  she says it is in those moments that she can truly serve as an expression of gratitude to Jesus.  she talks about how this does not come from a denial of oneself that just thinks of oneself as worthless, but rather the opposite.  she talks about how when a person truly knows that God, the God of everything big and small, loves us with an "intense and particular love," that this knowledge will produce a perspective of the world in which love and service flow.  someone who knows this truth will not care about what others think of them, or about preserving their life with comforts, for they already have all they need: the love of God.  instead, this person will realize that to love "to the point of hurting" and that it is only in giving that one recieves.

in the same way, i have been reading my best friend, danika's blog while i have been travelling.  her and her husband, jordan talk about the way they are learning same kind of self-denial as they travel (http://mythousandhills.wordpress.com/).  the difference between what they talk about and what mother teresa talks about is that danika and jordan are just the same as dave and i.  what i mean is, when you read about mother teresa, its easy to see her as untouchable.  its easy to see her as a sort of super-human whose morals and way of life could never be achieved by normal people like us.  when i read danika and jordan's blog though, i am so challenged.  i read about how in rwanda they  have skipped meals to be able to provide others with meals.  i see so much need here in calcutta and though the words of mother teresa and danika are whirling around in my head i find it so hard to give in a way that actually hurts me.  i can even get to the point of doing it once or twice, but living a lifestyle, like the nuns here, that continually gives of oneself in order to love others seems overwhelming.  i mean, it might even be easy to do that while here in india, but when i'm back at home, would i really give up my daily coffee if it meant that i could give buy more coffees for people around me?  would i really sacrifice my peace and quiet on a nightly basis, if it meant that kids in the neighborhood had a safe place to hang out?  would i really give up my ability to get new clothes if it meant that i could donate more to a women's shelter in hamilton?  would i give up the priveledge of having quality meals or the produce of my garden, so others could have those who wouldn't otherwise be able to afford it could enjoy it?

i want to say yes, but when i truly examine my heart, there are certain things i dont want to let go of.  there is a certain extent to which i will give in order to love.  there is a certain amount of comfort i dont want to let go of.  my only hope is that God will change my heart and that by knowing closer and closer that God loves me, the other things i hold tightly to will become less and less important.  it will take that knowledge as well as just starting to really do things that cost us.  when we get home, it will take friends like danika, jordan and many more to remind us of what really matters and to challenge us to give.  and mostly it will have to be the spirit inside of us.

mother teresa talks about how living this kind of life is a battle, and it definitely feels that way.  right now it feels like we are losing to our desire for comfort.  please pray that God changes this in us.

la. the 'stop-by'.

a while back i had a conversation with a bunch of friends about how we've lost the art of the 'stop-by'.  somewhere in growing up we have felt the need to schedule in all of our hang-outs and on a daily basis drive or bike past friends houses without ever 'stopping by'.  i know some people who do live like this back home and battle against the isolation and neatness of only ever seeing people when its convenient, but even then it seems like they actively have to choose to go against what has become normal in north america.

dave and jen (not us... but another couple we met.  the similarities beyond the names made it even freakier!) are one of those couples.  after meeting dave and jen at nehemiah house, they offered to have us over to their house in compton and show us around.  they seemed awesome, and well we were living day-to-day with accomodations at that point so we gladly went.

i dont know what it is about lower-income areas, but they tend to have been able to overcome the typical north american isolation problem.  compton, a city notorious for its terrible gang violence, had the 'stop-by' down!  as dave showed us around, we didn't just walk around as he pointed out sights, we stopped to see his previous next-door neighbor, we went into the salvation army and showed off dave and jenn's new-born to the ladies there and we went to visit dave's friend who runs the best taco truck.

after, we talked to dave about how awesome it was that he seemed to know people around there so well and how open people were to having him stop-by.  he told us how it was difficult at the start, having grown up in a middle-class neighborhood, but he said that in compton, you cannot remain outside of it.  after you meet people, they will just stop-by.  it might be inconvenient, but he said that he has never felt so much a part of a community ever before.

it made me think about the day after we moved in to our house.  i was rushing out the door, and rocco, the next-door neighbor, stopped me for a conversation.  i was getting late for work, so i quickly ended to conversation and went on my way.  what i saw in dave and jenn was an openness to allow the neighborhood around you to change the way you live.  i am praying that God will make dave and i humble and open in the same way.

la. simplicity.

yes, in los angeles, the city of hollywood, american apparel and insane traffic, we learned about simplicity.

you probably all know that we just bought a house before going on this trip and all the way down the coast we have been seeing a theme of learning lessons that will prepare us to live back home in a life-giving way.  one idea that has influenced a lot of our housing decisions (both the house itself and the neighborhood) has been that of living in a house with other people for the sake of community both in and around the home.  most of our ideas about this until this point though, have been ideals and philosophies we've just thrown around.... so we decided to see if we could meet some people that are actually living out these ideals and learn from them.

the yetter family live in a home with another family and a girl in the pico union area of los angeles.  pico union is a 'rougher' area, inhabited almost entirely by elsalvadorian families.  as we sat down an talked with scott and sarah (the yetter parents) we got to hear about how they have situated themselves intentionally in the area, not to start programs or change the area, but to simply be the people of God there with their family and the others they live with.

i guess when we went to visit them, i was expecting them to give us the tour of all the great things they are doing in the area and tell us how they had a dream and now its being worked out.  i expected them to not have very much time for us because they probably have busy schedules and we came with such little notice.  instead of being impressed by the structure of their community, or the amazing programs they run in the neighborhood (which i was impressed by, to be sure), i found myself most struck by the simplicity of their lives.  as scott told us about the say yes program (which helps kids with their homework and gives them positive mentors) and the nehemiah house (which is the house neighboring theirs where they host students wanting to learn how to live in community in the city), the thing he kept saying was that it wasn't about the programs, or structure.  instead, the most important thing he kept saying was that we just need to be the people of God and live with love.  and he really lives that way too!  he intentionally takes things out of his schedule so he and sarah can be home and around the house as much as possible. he says this is the only way he can really know his neighbors and know their needs.  this simplicity and lack of programs is actually what makes the programs so successful.  instead of trying to create programs for the neighborhood based on his own assumptions, by knowing the neighborhood so deeply, those living there literally come to scott's door when there is a need and ask for programs to start to meet those needs.  we experienced this first hand as so many times scott, sarah and their family made time to have a conversation with us in passing or invite us in to bake peach pie.  that kind of life doesn't just come though.  scott told us how he weekly has to battle against filling his schedule, as there are more than enough things he could fill it with.  not only that, but living around others and sharing space with other families of different cultures takes a lot of grace and patience.  before scott and sarah owned the house they live in now, they packed themselves and their three children into two bedrooms in the back of nehemiah house.

it is that kind of simplicity that i want to live in my neighborhood with.  the type that says to those around me that they are much more important than any schedule or my comfort.  the type that truly knows those around them.  the type that the type that only creates programs or institutions when that is the best way to meet a need.  i hope that as we go back home to hamilton that there will be a yetterness to the way of life at 186 stirton.

la. plans.

there is so much emphasis in our culture on having a plan, moving forward and reaching the goal you set for yourself. leading up to the trip and all throughout the trip when people hear we are travelling they always ask us where we are going next. after we tell them, they usually ask what we are planning to do there. relatively little about our trip has been planned out in that way, so usually my answer begins with a sort of feeble, ‘um… well…’, then either I can try to articulate what I think might happen so as not to look like a foolish roadtripping hippie or something, or I can just sort of admit that I’m not totally sure what will happen next. the first response usually leads to a comfortable conversation about travel experiences, while the latter leaves the conversation at a rather awkward standstill. its in these moments that I realize how much we want to plan out our lives and control them and how much of our validation comes from being a person who knows where they’re going and how they are going to get there. this is interesting to me right now because we have learned in los angeles that life usually does not go according to plan, and that if we are so focused on forcing it to that we might miss out on some pretty great things.

our intention for la was to spend two weeks in a school with a bunch of other people learning to work out what it means to see God's kingdom realized in your home context.  all the other places along the coast we stayed for just a few days, but we were all set to kick it for two whole weeks out in san fernando (which is barely la, if you've ever been there... seriously you are in a valley with chickens and horses).  we got there and by the end of the first night we had realized that it was not the place we were supposed to be.  first of all, it was not the same program we were expecting and second, we just had a sort of off feeling about it.  the next morning, despite the fact that it was a complete change in the plan, we packed out bags and headed off into the monstrosity that is la.  we really had no idea what the next two weeks were going to look like now, but until this point God has done nothing but show us his faithfulness, so we went off trusting that.  we contacted jason in san francisco, remembering that he mentioned in passing that he had friends in la and within a couple hours we were heading to aaron and myrrhia's house.  we were already floored that these two people who had never met us were offering to have us stay at their place the night we contacted them and we really had no idea what to expect.

after three and a half hours of public transit (thats what i mean when i say that la is a monstrosity of a city!) we drag ourselves up to this adorable house where this beautiful couple is waiting on the porch to greet us.  they come, grab our bags and have us down at their table to eat the meal that they prepared for us (oh yah- did i mention aaron is a chef!?).  insane!  it was so surreal.  as we got talking we found more and more that we had in common: we both love youth and are at the beginning of adventures in having our houses be an open space for them, myrrhia and i both danced, aaron and dave both have such similar senses of humor... the list goes on.  after dinner we went with them to a class on the holy spirit at their church (on the way to which, their super old jeep started smoking from under the roof), talked into the night and just as we were going to bed, they insisted on us sleeping in their bed while they slept on the couch.  as we were going to bed we thought about what might have happened if we had just stuck to our original plan and not been open to new ways God might want to teach us and already we knew that it was going to be a good two weeks.

over the next couple weeks aaron and myrrhia made so many sacrifices to hang out with us and invite us into their life.  we shared meals, roadtrips, conversations... we even ended up, along with their friend sarah who had aaa, pushing their broken jeep back into their driveway.  we learned so much from them.  we were so impressed by the way that aaron and myrrhia share their home with others (and not just us, but really whoever needs a space!).  there was more than one time that we were not the only people aaron and myrrhia were serving at once.  when they are not immediately caring for others with their home, they are talking about ways they can help meet their needs or are praying for them.  aaron and myrrhia are people who do not hesitate at all to help a brother in need if they have the means to.

not only did we learn a ton though, but these two people are people who we know will be friends for a long time.  sure, our plans changed over these two weeks and we might not have come away with a measurable accomplishment, but we are so convinced that God loosened our grip on our plan that first night so we could hold tighter to him and in the process he gave us an amazing adventure with a couple phenomenal people!

san fransisco. brothers.

After an overnight trainride from eugene, oregon and a very long conversation with a man who told us tales of dredging for gold, we arrived in san fran. we had contacted our wedding photographer, jason, to see if we could stay at his place. little did we know that when he agreed, he was not only offering his place but also his bed! two of the days we were there he was visiting his girlfriend further down the coast, but even when he came back on the last night, he slept on the couch so we could have his bed. i feel as though all my blogs have been about hospitality and so i find myself sitting here trying to pick something else out to share, but we truly have stayed with some of the most hospitable people i have ever met and steven, jason and jason were no different. we woke up the morning after arriving and as we were eating breakfast steven and jason wwalked out of their rooms at different points. as we got talking to them we found out they both work for a church called reality and were about to bike to work for the day. that was until they found out that we were going to rent some bikes and hopefully hit up a bakery and a park nearby. without making a point of it, they both just kind of made themselves available to help us out in whatever way they could. they told us tartine was just two blocks away!! (for those of you who aren't bakery fanatics like me, just know that this is a big deal!) instead of just pointing out where we should go and sending us on our way, which would have been more than we expected anyway, they rerouted (and by rerouted, i mean went in the total opposite direction) their trip to the office and partook in the glorious experience that is a tartine pastry with us. they then took us to their favourite coffee shop (by the way, coffee on the west coast is blowing my mind!) and to the office to borrow some bikes for the day. as we were walking, we talked about life and God. they told us about how the three of them came to be living together and we told them of our love for hamilton. after printing out three maps and giving us all the insider recomendations on san fransisco we were on our way.

that day we explored the waterfront, dave's bike got a flat tire, we searched for a bike fix-it place and got it patched, biked across the golden gate bridge and sung the full house song periodically. at the end of the day we were super tired, so we just picked up some dinner at an amazing little local grocery store and sat on this huge grass mound with a bunch of other san franners and ate. such a delightful day... oh yah, not to mention the roasted banana ice cream we had for dessert!

when we got home (by home i mean they boys' home, but it seems fitting for us to call it home too) we sat around, just talking with jason and steven and eventually other jason when he got home. as i was sitting there, steven giving me a taste test on the difference between rye and bourbon, it occurred to me that these boys really felt like my brothers. yes, they are part of the family in the sense that anyone is who calls God, Father, but they felt more like my family than your average sunday run-in with someone at church. i mean the type of love that siblings show is different than friends. iin most cases with siblings it is just a given that you help them out when they need it. when you are growing up and your mom tells you to help your brother, you just do. and its not like you expect to get anything in return; you just do it because they are your brother and thats what siblings do. as i sat there i thought about that morning and how jason and steven just oriented their day (even at the cost of being late for work) to help us out. they didn't make a big deal of it, or even really ask us if we wanted them to help us out. they just did it. after having breakfast together the next morning and praying for eachother we headed for the coast with avocado in our bellies and gratitude in our hearts! thanks be to God the father for giving us such amazing brothers!