kolkata. overwhelmed.

we are in india.  we have been here a week now and it has taken me this long to catch up on blogging about our other experiences.

from the moment we got off the plane, kolkata has been an overwhelming place.  friends warned us of this, but we really could not even imagine how dirty, crowded and chaotic it would really be.  anywhere you walk there are pigs at the side of the road, streets filled with garbage, dirty buildings, people peeing and spitting in the streets... and the list goes on.  add to this the fact that kolkata has almost the same amount of people as canada and is extremely hot.  poverty is everywhere.  i have been to other parts of the world where there is quite obvious poverty, but never to this scale.  literally every street you walk on is by all appearances a slum.  for two people used to personal space, who have digestive systems that are used to sanitized food and water, and who have been spoiled by clean air and a comfotable bed, especially for the first couple of days, i was very overwhelmed.

more than the overwhelming feeling of sheer culture shock, we have felt overwhelmed by the challenge to give of ourselves in order to serve others.  we came to india to volunteer with the homes for the dying destitute, children with disabilities, and lepers that mother teresa began.  when planning our trip back home we had read a bit about mother teresa and the sisters and wanted to learn from those who have found true life, not by gaining wealth and status, but by giving themselves away.  we sort of knew on a mental level that this would be challenging, but now that we are here, we are realizing just how deep our own selfishness and feelings of entitlement run.

the first day we helped out with the sisters was amazing.  there are many volunteers in calcutta right now, so the biggest need is not for people to do the really exteme tasks like saving people's lives or teaching injured children to walk, but for people to do laundry.  with the assignment of this task came my first realization of my brokenness; i was dissappointed that we wouldn't be doing something more heroic.  so out came my inner self which was serving not purely out of a desire to love in whatever form that came in, but out of a desire to gain something for ourselves... that maybe we would get some really adorable photos of children all hanging off us. that maybe we could post them and then friends at home would see us as heros.  as we were thinking about this, i noticed one of the sisters in the room next to us.  as a lot of the other volunteers were playing with the children, who reciprocated love back to them, this sister was washing the floor.  out of anyone in the home, surely the sister who has devoted her life to loving these children should be the one playing with them, and one of us, should be doing that menial task.  i walked past the room and heard her singing quietly.

later on that night i was reading some of mother teresa's writings where she talks about serving.  she talks about how she counts it a joy to serve when no one will thank you, when a child will give you no smile, when no one will see you.  she says it is in those moments that she can truly serve as an expression of gratitude to Jesus.  she talks about how this does not come from a denial of oneself that just thinks of oneself as worthless, but rather the opposite.  she talks about how when a person truly knows that God, the God of everything big and small, loves us with an "intense and particular love," that this knowledge will produce a perspective of the world in which love and service flow.  someone who knows this truth will not care about what others think of them, or about preserving their life with comforts, for they already have all they need: the love of God.  instead, this person will realize that to love "to the point of hurting" and that it is only in giving that one recieves.

in the same way, i have been reading my best friend, danika's blog while i have been travelling.  her and her husband, jordan talk about the way they are learning same kind of self-denial as they travel (http://mythousandhills.wordpress.com/).  the difference between what they talk about and what mother teresa talks about is that danika and jordan are just the same as dave and i.  what i mean is, when you read about mother teresa, its easy to see her as untouchable.  its easy to see her as a sort of super-human whose morals and way of life could never be achieved by normal people like us.  when i read danika and jordan's blog though, i am so challenged.  i read about how in rwanda they  have skipped meals to be able to provide others with meals.  i see so much need here in calcutta and though the words of mother teresa and danika are whirling around in my head i find it so hard to give in a way that actually hurts me.  i can even get to the point of doing it once or twice, but living a lifestyle, like the nuns here, that continually gives of oneself in order to love others seems overwhelming.  i mean, it might even be easy to do that while here in india, but when i'm back at home, would i really give up my daily coffee if it meant that i could give buy more coffees for people around me?  would i really sacrifice my peace and quiet on a nightly basis, if it meant that kids in the neighborhood had a safe place to hang out?  would i really give up my ability to get new clothes if it meant that i could donate more to a women's shelter in hamilton?  would i give up the priveledge of having quality meals or the produce of my garden, so others could have those who wouldn't otherwise be able to afford it could enjoy it?

i want to say yes, but when i truly examine my heart, there are certain things i dont want to let go of.  there is a certain extent to which i will give in order to love.  there is a certain amount of comfort i dont want to let go of.  my only hope is that God will change my heart and that by knowing closer and closer that God loves me, the other things i hold tightly to will become less and less important.  it will take that knowledge as well as just starting to really do things that cost us.  when we get home, it will take friends like danika, jordan and many more to remind us of what really matters and to challenge us to give.  and mostly it will have to be the spirit inside of us.

mother teresa talks about how living this kind of life is a battle, and it definitely feels that way.  right now it feels like we are losing to our desire for comfort.  please pray that God changes this in us.